Monday, June 11, 2012

the goddess of chaos and disorder

This post doesn't really have anything to do with jewelry, or crafty things, or anything like that.  This one is just a personal ramble, about some things that have been on my mind lately.  I don't do this sort of thing often.

In my travels on the interwebs, I have read and subscribed to a few blogs and newsletters that are all about women's issues.  Stuff like how to be a goddess and waking up your inherent feminine power, and all that.  You probably know what I'm talking about.  And lately, I've been drawn to these ideas - the idea of harnessing my feminine power, of unlocking my feminine potential, of connecting with the goddess inside me.  These sites have some really inspirational stuff, and lots of pretty things about being a girl, and usually have some sort of *paid* element to them, meaning you have to pay for a subscription of some sort to access the exclusive content that will magically transform your life and turn you into a happy, giggling, loving-life super woman in no time.  Now, I'm not knocking these women who run these sites.  I'm most definitely NOT a judgmental person.  If you are a member of one of these things, awesome.  I hope its working for you.  I read the blogs and newsletters and emails, and occasionally will find something in them that sticks with me and helps me in some way.  But I don't see the need to pay for the whole exclusive access thing.  I don't feel that I need a women's circle in my life.  And I don't feel that I need someone else to tell me what it takes for me to be a goddess.  I enjoy having personal interaction with other women for support, or advice, or whatever - but for me, most of that comes from the very small group of people that I already have in my life.  I would be overwhelmed with a whole online group of forums and chat rooms and inspirational videos and articles and self-help pamphlets.  And really, deep down inside, I truly feel that I already know what it takes for me to be the happiest, most fulfilled, best possible version of myself.  The knowledge is already there. 
image from

The challenge, the very personal challenge, is to find that knowledge.  Find that part of myself that is unfettered by convention and self-doubt, and all those other things that have accumulated over time to obscure and hide that knowledge.  And I think that only I can do that.  I'm the only one that knows what those blocks are.  I'm the only one that knows what's holding me back. 

I know, too, that this is a journey that I will not take alone.  I understand the value of the people in my life, and am grateful for every one of them. 

This is not meant to be a rant against the people that offer those services that I mentioned above, or the people that use those services.  I'm merely confirming to myself that I am making the conscious choice to take another route.  And maybe this is also a declaration, in a manner that goes beyond a simple passing thought in my mind.  I am making a (somewhat) public declaration to honor myself.  Honor my SELF, the true self, the joyous goddess inside me that lies hidden beneath the detritus that has piled up in my soul.

So, too, I think this is an acknowledgement.  I am working on acknowledgement of myself.  My Self.  I am naturally an introspective person.  I think, in some degree, most introverts are, by nature, introspective people.  And I am most definitely an introvert.  I am aware of many aspects of my personality with which I have not always been at peace.  But more and more, I am beginning to recognize that some of these things don't necessarily need to be changed.  Some of these things only bother me because I've been conditioned to think that I need to change them.  And the more I examine these things, the more I realize the difference between what makes me unhappy and what makes others unhappy.  That's not really it though - I'm not sure exactly how to phrase it.  I'm beginning to separate the aspects of my personality, I guess.  Some of the things that have, in the past, made me uncomfortable or made me feel inadequate or have frustrated me, I'm beginning to realize are only making me feel this way because I've been taught that they are flaws.  When in reality, they aren't really negatively impacting my life in a significant way.  They aren't roadblocks to happiness - the real roadblock was my reaction.  The real negative impact was my own perception.

I got this from here.

So, I'm acknowledging that there are some things that don't need changing.  I am acknowledging the parts of myself that are not perfect, but that are perfectly me. 

Oh so many things swirling in my thoughts right now.  Lots of things that need saying, but I don't know how to get it all out so that it makes any kind of sense.  This is typical for me - my thoughts are always three steps ahead of my actions.  Breathe.  One thing at a time, girl.

I'm not what you'd call a "religious" person.  I was raised in a southern baptist family.  My maternal grandmother is very devout.  My paternal grandmother was as well, but she was much quieter about it.  My mom has some traditional Christian beliefs, but she doesn't regularly attend church or anything like that.  As a teenager I grew to realize that I didn't really identify with the Christians, or any organized religion of which I was aware.  Lately I've come to realize that my views are more in line with the pantheist point of view than any other I've found.  The idea that everything is connected really resonates with me.  If everything is connected, then everything is sacred.  Everything is special.  The very fact that there is such as thing as *existence* is profound and moving, and incredibly special.

But this is something I often struggle with.  If everything is special and sacred, then how do you explain that asshole on the interstate that cut me off this morning?  How do you explain that jackass that kicked his dog when it tugged the leash?  How do you explain people?!  I struggle with compassion.  This is something I aspire to, something I truly want to feel for every living thing.  But humans, forget it.  I have a really hard time with compassion for humanity.  Right now, this feels like one of those aspects of my personality that I should just accept and release.  Stop trying to change it.  Humanity doesn't deserve my compassion.  But taking this attitude doesn't sit well with me.  I am constantly at war - alternately cursing that jackass in the extravagant SUV in front of me and then feeling bad for directing animosity at another living thing.  I am examining these feelings.  Although sometimes I feel my animosity is justified, I genuinely feel that this anger and negativity is a waste of my energy.  So why do I still react this way toward other people?  How do I cultivate a calm state of mind, so that I can shrug off the negativity and avoid those kinds of compulsive reactions?  These are things, aspects of my personality, that I do want to change.  Although these (among others) are things that make up who I am, I recognize that they do negatively or adversely impact me.  These are the things that have piled up and obscured my true Self. 

I have intentions.  Some of which, I know, will end up forgotten and neglected.  Sort of like those balls of yarn that I intended to make sweaters with.  But that's okay.  Some of these intentions may bloom into habits.  All of it, I know, will be in furtherance of self-learning.  Every false start, every break-down-and-cry, every joyful triumph of will, is a step forward.  They are all teachers, if I pay attention to the lesson.

What a journey.  It will be ongoing, I know.  The journey without end.  This project has no deadline.  I am a dynamic being.  I will always be learning who I am. 

Okay, so I didn't really intend this to be one of those inspirational posts all full of go-find-yourself motivation and all that crap.  I don't even know if anyone actually reads these things.  Really, I'll bet now you think I'm one of those hippies that wears gauze skirts and headbands and goes to fairy festivals and chants and tells people about their aura and stuff like that.  I'm not.  If you are, please tell me what color my aura is.  Actually, I am the embodiment of chaos and disorder.  And owning it. 

Are you still reading?  Wow.  Thanks for listening. 

1 comment:

  1. I liked your post, and I did read the whole thing, just thought I'd let you know that someone actually did read it, I wonder the same thing with my blog sometimes :-)